Abusers Anonymous
by Marie S Zachary
Summary: Beck has begun to abuse Jade.  When he hears a conversation between Cat and Jade he realized that he is out of control and joins Abusers Anonymous to get help.  Rated M for abuse in flashbacks
1. Beck's AHA Moment

**Warning to everyone reading this. There are several things you need to know. First of all don't tell me Beck is out of character or that he would never do what he's doing in this story. I AM WELL AWARE OF THAT. It is an AU story. Beck is going to be very out of character. There will be times in the story where you are going to hate him. There will also be times in the story where you are going to love him. Jade is out of character too. She would never put up with him treating her the way he does in this story. She listened to him in reality because she doesn't want to argue with him and because she wanted to show him that she trusts him. She loves him but she would never allow him to treat her the way he did in the story. Beck DOES love Jade in this story. He does not mean to hurt her and he honestly thinks he is doing what's best for her. That is how most abusive behavior starts out. So without any more talk let me start the story. Just one more note before I do. I don't own Victorious. That is just slandered to put in there.**

* * *

><p><em>Beck never started out with the intention of hurting Jade. There was no doubt that he loved her. He just needed her to be nice to Tori and nothing else had worked. He thought maybe if he gave her a smacking she would wake up and start being nice to Tori. If nothing else she wouldn't be mean to Tori anymore. He thought about it for awhile and the next time she was mean to Tor he went ahead and gave her a smacking. He made sure that it was as hard and painful as possible in hopes of her being deterred from her behavior. It worked and he found she responded to physical force. That's what he did to get her to do what she 'needed to do'. It was what was 'best for her. It wasn't as if he was harsh with her.<em>

Cat came and sat next to Jade at lunch the next day. Jade was unusually quiet. Cat had heard the latest incident between Beck and Jade and she was very concerned.

"Jade," Cat said softly, "How long has this been going on?"

"Seven months," Jade said, "I love Beck but I hate the person he's become"

"It's not working," Cat said, "You can't continue to be abused"

"He isn't abusing me exactly," Jade said, "He cares enough to want me to be a better person"

"Bull," Cat said, "That's no way to help you become a better person. Beck has a serious problem and he needs help!"

_They say everyone who has a serious problem has an AHA moment. That was Beck's AHA moment. He really thought he was doing the right thing. He made excuses. He would say 'she needs this' or 'it's in her best interest' or 'well she had to learn a lesson'. In his mind he was doing a good thing. He didn't realize until he listened in on the conversation between Cat and Jade_

"Look Cat I got what I deserved," Jade said, "I didn't listen when he told me to sit down and shut up. You saw that"

"Jade newsflash," Cat said, "That's a b u s i v e abusive. He doesn't have the right to hurt you or to put you down. I'm sorry but telling you to sit down and shut up is putting you down. He has problems and he needs help"

_He wasn't abusive. He did it for her own good. Sure he smacked her every few days but she had it coming. She was disobeying him. She was not doing what he said. She was talking back. She was doing things that were harmful to her or their relationship._

"I do the wrong things sometimes,"

"So what? You're human. Everyone does the wrong thing sometimes. That doesn't give him the right to physically hurt you. For that matter he doesn't have the right to ignore you and humiliate you in front of other people. He is dead wrong. He is so wrong he's not right. He's as wrong as Tara and Halley"

_Okay so he did humiliate her and yell at her sometimes. He did criticize her and put her down. But he didn't treat her so badly she was embarrassed for her friends and family to see. Okay so he did ignore her opinions sometimes but that was because they were stupid. It was her own fault anyway. If she hasn't made that comment that she made or done this or done that he wouldn't have had to put her in her place. She needed to know right from wrong. It was like the time that he broke something very special to her to teach her a lesson. _

"Beck loves me," Jade told Cat

"There's no doubt in my mind that he loves you," Cat said, "But he's out of control. He has this attitude that he should get what he wants when he wants it. He doesn't accept no for an answer. He punishes you if you don't do what he wants when he wants. He's a control freak lately. He is out of control. You need to leave"

"I can't," Jade said.

_Beck had tears in his eyes. He didn't want to lose Jade but he didn't want to hurt her either. He had to get help for this problem. He was an abuser. It was time he got help for his problem. He would go to Abusers Anonymous. He walked over to the table where Cat and Jade were sitting at. _

_"Beck," Jade asked, "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"_

"Cause," Beck said, "Jade I realize I have been hurting you and there is no way I can make up for it but I want it to stop right now. I'm out of control and I was out of control the first time I smacked you"


	2. Just' Doesn't Exist In Abuse

Later that day Beck sat in his first AB. A meeting. He was really nervous. He had asked Jade to go with him for support as well as Cat. They were happy to go.

"Hi," Beck said, "My name is Beck and I'm an abuser"

"Hi Beck," everyone said in a friendly tone.

"Do you want to share your story with us," the group leader, Marc asked

"Well it's a long story. It'll probably take months to tell it and besides I'm ashamed. You will all judge me."

"Judge you," Jeremy (another member of AB. A) asked, "Dude we're all in you same shoes. We have done the same thing that you did before. Who are we to judge you?"

"Alright. Well I guess I could start telling you a little of my story but would it be alright if I continue over time instead of telling the whole story today?"

"We wouldn't expect you to tell it all today," the group leader said

"Well I guess the best way to start would be to introduce you to my friend and my girlfriend"

Jade stood up.

"I'm Jade... I'm the girlfriend"

Cat stood up.

"I'm Cat. I'm the friend"

"Hi Jade. Hi Cat," all the people said.

"Let me start off by saying I love Jade. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I never intended to hurt her."

"No abuser sets out to be an abuser," another member told him, "It is an illness and you did a wonderful thing taking responsibility for your actions. I must say you did better then I did. It took me six months to admit I was an abuser."

"Looking back now," Beck said, "The abuse didn't start out as what one might think of as abuse. It was more like I would shut down. If there was something bothering her I would just roll my eyes and become emotionally unavailable."

* * *

><p>((Flashback))<br>_He was having a bad day and Jade was upset. Frankly, he didn't care._

_"Beck come on. I really need to talk"_

_"So talk," he said coldly._  
><em>This wasn't like Beck. He was normally so sensitive and loving.<em>

_"Did I do something wrong," she asked_  
><em>He rolled his eyes.<em>

_"It's not always about you Jade," he said, "You said you wanted to talk. So talk"_

_"What's the matter with you Beck," Jade said, "You're not normally like this"_

_"Yeah well today I am," Beck said, "You're not the only one who's ever had a bad day Jade. Get that through your head."_

((End Flashback))

* * *

><p>"After that I actually became critical of her. I would say thing in hopes of making her 'improve' and I would think I was doing it for her own good"<p>

In his mind he could hear the thing he had said

- I can't believe you're such a scary cat. That happened months ago. Why would you still be afraid to go there?

- GOD Jade can you stop being so self centered for once

- Yeah you do. What did you think? I'm not going to just ignore it when you're being stupid. You're better then that!

- I can't believe that you did that Jade. What were you thinking?

- Why should I hug you? I acted that way for a reason. You were a BITCH and BITCHES don't get hugged. I'll hug you again tomorrow. Until then you'll just have to suck it up!

- Aw... I know you're hurting sweetheart but if you weren't so mean I wouldn't have to act this way towards you.

- Of course I love you. That's why I'm acting this way!

- I didn't ask you if you wanted to do this. I'm telling you we're doing it!

"I would humiliate her too. There was one incident that I can remember where she was fighting with another one of our friends and I didn't react well to the fight."

* * *

><p>((Flashback))<p>

_"No Jade," Beck said, "**You **must feel really stupid right now. Do you want to know why? Because you're acting really stupid right now"_

_Everyone gasped._

_"BECK," Andre exclaimed._

_"Well she is. What is she thinking being mean like that"_

_"Gee I don't know," Robbie said, "What were **you **thinking being mean to her like that"_

_"I was thinking she needs to grow up a bit. I was thinking she needs to stop being a bitch! I was thinking she needs to stop being mean to Tori because let me tell you something- if anyone was mean to Cat the way that Jade is being mean to Tori they would so have been corrected by her and they'd be shitting through a straw she'd kick their ass so hard. I'm only saying this for her own good. Now go and think about that for awhile Jade. Sit there and shut up. Your mouth is irritating."_

((End Flashback))

* * *

><p>"Not exactly my proudest moment," Beck said, "I don't know what I was thinking."<p>

"You weren't thinking. You were angry," Nathaniel, a group member said

"I know I was angry but that didn't give me a right to do what I did," he said, "and at that point it hadn't escalated to physical or more. We're still at emotional"

Jade squeezed his hand supportively.

"I don't think I can talk anymore about this right now," Beck said

"That's alright," Marc replied, "You can continue more tomorrow. Now Beck are you aware of the twelve steps?"

"No," Beck said, "I'm not"

"The first step," Marc explained, "is to acknowledge that your life has become unmanageable because of this cycle of abuse"

Beck **did **know that. He had been an abuser for a long time. He had been abusive to Jade for almost a year now without even realizing it. He was powerless to stop it on his own.


	3. They'd Never Let Him Fall

After the meeting Jade and Cat took Beck out to dinner. The meeting had taken a lot out of him. They wanted to encourage him. What he had done was wonderful. He got himself help for a problem he previously had denied he had.

They went to La Shayla's. It was an Italian Restaurant that they all really liked. Sometimes they would use it for parties. But there wasn't any party going on today.

"Thank you for going with me," Beck said, "I could never do this alone"

"No," Cat said, "You can't do it alone and nobody would expect you too"

"Do you guys still love me," Beck asked.

"Beck," Cat said, "If we didn't love you we wouldn't be here now. Of course we love you. What we are not going to do is allow your old behavior to continue."

Beck had a look of horror on his face.

"Why would I want it to continue. I was hurting the person I love... the people I loved. I hated who I was after today finding out that I had been... that I was... an abuser"

"Here's the deal," Cat said, "I'm going to move into the RV with you guys"

"Why," Beck and Jade asked at the same time.

"Because," Cat said, "Someone needs to make sure everything stays in control. Someone needs to make sure that you continue going to your meetings and that you do your treatments."

"But what if I hurt you without meaning to," Beck asked, "and OH MY GOD WHAT IF I..."  
>Cat put a hand on his shoulder.<p>

"You won't," she said gently

"How can you know that," Beck said

"Because Beckett James Oliver I know you. I know that once you make a decision you don't let anything stop you. You don't let anything get in your way and you aren't going to let yourself go back to your abusive behavior. I won't let that happen. I also won't let you lose what you would be at risk of loosing but that means I am going to be there through it all"

"And so am I," Jade said firmly.

* * *

><p>Yes I know chapter 3 is fairly short. The next chapter is going to be extremely intense.<p> 


	4. Short AN

Note to JUST SAYING about the confusion in chapter 2.

It started out as verbal and emotional abuse and ESCULATED into physical abuse. He was abusing her for 11 months and for the first 4 months it was not physical. He was only physically abusive for seven months. I'm pretty sure I made that clear but if I didn't for anyone who reads that this is the deal


	5. Responsiblity

Beck sat in his meeting the next day. He still felt really tense. He knew why he needed it and he would never stop going until his treatment was complete but he felt as if he just wanted to run away and hide. He was ashamed of what he did. He was ashamed of who he became.

((FLASHBACK))  
><em>It was just 3 days ago. He had seen Jade doing something he didn't like.<em>

_"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING," he said slapping her hard._

_"Beck I'm sorry. It was an accident"_

_"I UNDERSTAND IT WAS AN ACCIDENT," he said, "BUT I TOLD YOU 700 TIMES IF I TOLD YOU ONCE NOT TO DO THAT. IT'S STUPID AND IT'S WRONG."_  
><em>He pulled her hair and dragged her over to the couch. Getting out a leather belt he started to beat the hell out of her.<em>

_"REMEMBER (WHACK) this is (WHACK, WHACK, WHACK) for your own (WHACK) good."_

_"I know," she said crying, "And I am so sorry for what I did. I didn't mean-"_

_"I know that Jade," he said the beating over after 8 minutes, "I love you and what I did was for your own good"_

_He gave her a quick hug. She stopped crying after about 15 minutes and looked relieved. Then came the list of questions._

_"Next time I tell you to do something what are you going to do?"_

_"Do it," she cried_

_"Without arguing?"  
><em>

_"Yes sir," she said_

_"Are you EVER going to do what I saw you do again?"_

_"No sir," she said, "I am so sorry. I didn't-"_

_"I know," he said his voice going soft, "I know you didn't mean to do it Jade but you need to think. You know I don't like it when you do that and you still did it."_

_"You're right. Do you love me again?"_

_"Who said I stopped"_

((Flashback ends))

"Beck," Marc asked, "You seemed to space out for a minute there. What were you thinking about?"  
>In shame Beck told them the story.<p>

"I know what you're feeling," Bryan told Beck, "When I first came here I was a mess and I was remembering everything I did wrong. I was ashamed of what I did but then I realized that I really wasn't at fault. I had a problem. I wasn't-"

"You weren't responsible for what you did," Beck said in a dangerously low tone.

Bryan nodded.

"Look," Beck said, "You may have had a problem but that doesn't mean that you're not responsible for your behavior.

"I have a problem too. I am an abuser. I'm not a victim. I am... I was a victimizer. You may recall that the first step is acknowledging responsibility for your actions. Blaming it on stress is not an excuse. Blaming it on the victim is not an excuse. Blaming it on your victim not doing what you said when you said it is not an excuse. Guess what Bryan. Your girlfriend or wife or whoever you abused is not a mindless robot. She has a mind of her own and she has a very good mind of her own. She has the right to not be harmed just because she doesn't obey you mindlessly. She has the right to be loved. She-"

"I get it," Bryan said, "I've heard though words before though never put quite that way. I've said things like that before though never like this but come on. Everyone slips up"

"Well I am not going to... not when it comes to this. I have a problem yes but it's my problem. I have the choice not to go back to my old behavior"

Bryan took a deep breath.

"Okay but if you do it's not so bad as long as you're trying"

"OF COURSE IT'S BAD.

"It's not like cancer or anything internally. I HAVE A CHOICE. I have the choice to take responsibility for my own actions and that means making the choice to NOT abuse. I can make the choice to NOT be negative. I have a really good friend named Cat. She was the one who made me take responsibility for my actions. She didn't play games. She didn't soften the blow of reality and say "oh well you did it for this reason and that reason. No, she told Jade that I was responsible for my behavior and she was right. She let me know that I was loved but I was out of line. Guess what Bryan? She was right. I was out of line. I was expecting everyone else to be responsible for my behavior. It was wrong on my part. JADE didn't do anything wrong. Cat didn't do anything wrong in telling me off. Nobody else did anything wrong other then ME. I was alone responsible for what I was doing. It is thanks to my family and by that I mean Jade and Cat etc that my life isn't ruined. So don't you try to excuse your behavior because it won't work. You are responsible for what you do just as my behavior was my own choice. Yes I had a problem but I don't anymore. You need to acknowledge your behavior"  
>As Beck finished everyone in the room burst into applause.<p>

"Beck," Marc said, "That was fantastic. I was very impressed with what you just said"

"Thank you," Beck replied.


	6. Choose Not To Abuse

Beck woke up with a very fierce headache. He groaned. He had a meeting in 15 minutes and he knew he had to go. It wasn't about the deal Cat had made with him. He knew she would understand if he wasn't feeling well but he wasn't going to use that for an excuse.

He was done making excuses. He was at the end of the line and he wasn't going to pass it. He heard every excuse in the book at the meetings, including his own.

- "She pushed my buttons"

- "I was really stressed out"

- "She pushed me to hurt her"

- "If she had just done what I told her to do I wouldn't have to abuse her" (one of his own excuses)

- "She dressed in a way I thought was inappropriate"

- "I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing"

- "I had a bad childhood"

- "I have a mental illness"

That was one of the assignments they were given yesterday. It was to recall and share the excuses they gave for their behavior. One man said that he didn't physically hurt his wife so it wasn't abuse. Oh yeah. That was what Beck thought too but he knew now that words cut just as deeply as physical blows.

- "I'm just trying to take care of her. It's for her own good" (That was his classic excuse)  
>The thing is that he really believed it. He thought by abusing her he was loving her and he wasn't. He groaned as his head pounded. But he took an Alive and asked Jade to drive him to the meeting. She was happy to do so. He didn't tell her he had a headache because he knew she'd try to encourage him to go another time if she knew he had a headache.<p>

"Good morning," Marc said, "How are we all feeling?"

"Honestly," Beck asked

"Yes. Honesty is important in our program. It's part of the acknowledgement state."

"My head is killing me. I took an alive but it hasn't kicked in yet"

"Actually," Marc said, "You bring up a good point"

"The fact that I have a headache is a good point," Beck asked confused

Everyone laughed.

"No," Marc explained, "You took responsibility for your behavior. It's not very easy to do that. You could have easily put off coming to the meeting today. Have you been doing your treatments and going to therapy?"

"Yes I have and I realize something also," Beck said

"What did you realize" Marc asked

"My head hurts," Beck said

"What an amazing revelation," Bryan mumbled.  
>He was still put off with Beck for telling him off. He was not really ready to accept responsibility for his actions. He thought it wasn't entirely his fault.<p>

"It's not about the fact that I have a headache," Beck said

"But you just said you have a headache," Bryan said

"I do. But what I did to Jade... and what you did to your girlfriend... and what ALL OF YOU did to your girlfriend or boyfriends (as there were a few women here) or wives or husbands hurt 10 times as much as this headache is hurting me right now."

"How does that make you feel," Mac asked

"Like... an abuser who is NEVER going to abuse again."

"Did you have a slip-up," Marc asked

"No. I haven't abused in 4 days. I never will again. I haven't abused since I decided I needed to get help"

"Yeah but if you have a slip-up," Bryan said, "Forgive yourself. You're only human after all"

"I am only human," Beck said, "But I can chose not to abuse"


	7. And what was wrong seemed right

Beck stayed up until late into the night. He had so much on his mind. It was too much to think about and yet he couldn't stop thinking about it. When he was asked to select 10 words he could come up with to describe Jade the first word that came to mind was goddess. In no way, shape or form human. She had her faults. The thing is that Jade always loved him. Many girls and woman especially those as strong and precious as Jade is would never love him through all that.

Jade forgave him every time. Jade understood that in his mind as twisted as it was he was doing what was best. He had weakened her and bent her but she refused to break. She had refused to break up with him. She had refused to break his legs. She had refused to break his heart. She had refused to stop loving him.

Another word that came to mind when he thought of Jade was wisdom. She knew when not to argue with him. She was smart enough to know when he was going to lose his cool. She knew to stay away from arguing with him at that point. Jade was his world but he was breaking her. He didn't mean to. He hated it. But he really did think he was doing the right thing. He thought he was doing what he needed to do

If Jade was his soft spot then Cat was his reality check. She wouldn't let herself be manipulated by him. He was an abuser. She let him know on no uncertain terms that he was an abuser. He didn't like hearing it. He didn't like facing issues he knew he would eventually have to face but he was on his way to getting better. There were two people responsible for that. Jade and Cat. Beck was also responsible for it but he would never have gotten this far had it not been for Jade and for Cat. Even before Cat knew of his abusive she called him out on inappropriate behavior.

He could remember one them she told him **not to be an **idiot. Why did she tell him not to be an idiot? Well, because he was behaving like an idiot. He don't know what got into him. He just knew that he got so angry. He got so mad.. He didn't know who that monster was but it was NOT Beckette James Oliver. It was as if someone else had taken over Beck that night... that night when everything went wrong.

* * *

><p><p>

Yes you'll find out what happened to Beck 11 months ago but not right now. You'll find out later on in the story


	8. Obvious Much

Beck had made huge strives and a couple of days later was moving up to level 2 in the program.

"Looks like it's time for a step party," Cat said

To nobody's surprise Robbie groaned. Steps were a tradition in Hollywood Arts. Girls started out as losers and they had to work their way up. It was a tradition started by Sikowitz that almost everyone found sexist. There was 100 steps to go before they reached winner level which came with full privileges but girls tended to work their way up quicker then they should. However Cat had just had a step 14 party and Robbie thought that she was moving up a little to quick to be thinking about step 15 in the days and weeks ahead. Maybe a month would be understandable but it was only 4 days ago she moved up.

"Cat you just had a step party," Robbie reminded her, "You're not ready to move up again"

"Okay first of all not for me. Beck is moving up to level two in his program. I want that to be honored. Secondly apologize for what you just said"

"I'm sorry," he said, "I don't know what I did but I'm sorry"

"You said I wasn't ready to move up again," she explained

"Cause you just moved up less then a week ago," Robbie pointed out, "It's stupid to move up twice in a month"

"THAT sounded like an insult," Jade said

Robbie took a breath.

"I'm sorry. That was wrong of me to insult her and there was no excuse for what I did. I'm totally on board with having a step party for Beck. I think that would actually be a nice idea"

"Yay," Cat said back to her cheerful self, "So where should we have it?"

"La Shays," Jade replied.  
>It was the classic step party place<p>

"Maybe for the second level," Cat said, "But this is special"

Cat looked at Andre.

"Can we hold the party at your special place," she asked.

"Sure," Andre said cheerfully.

"Yay," Cat said

"Just one rule," Andre told them, "Don't open the red door"

"KK," Cat said, "But how will we know that it's the red door."

Andre laughed.

"Here's a hint. It's red," he said

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN," Cat asked

"Calm down little red," Andre said, "It means if the door is red don't open it"

"Oh," Cat said, "KK"

Cat looked at her watch. She had 1/2 an hour before she had to meet with a few people for her next appointment.

"Listen guys," she said, "I have to go. I'll meet up with you later. How about Fun Zone at 4?"

"Sounds good," Jade said

Just then Beck came by.

"Hey honey," Jade said, "how was the meeting"

"Long," he said, "I had a really bad headache the past few days"

"Sounds like stress," Cat said.

"No. It's sinuses. The pollen count is off the chart," Beck said, "It's really difficult cause my headaches are the time when I'm most irritable."

"Hey," Cat said, "I bet if he didn't have a headache he wouldn't have a headache"

Andre happened to have healing abilities.

"Okay," he said, "Beck sit down."

Beck sat down.

"I don't deserve to feel better," he said

"Yeah you do," Andre said, "And furthermore you need to feel better."

The headache went away.

"Thanks Andre," Beck said, "I owe you one"

"Yeah you do. You can pay me back by continuing your treatment and program and NEVER abusing Jade again"


	9. When You Fall You Fall Hard

Beck could remember the second time he hit Jade. _They were arguing about something that had happened between Jade and Tori that afternoon. Jade had yelled at him to shut up. That was a mistake. He got angry and slapped her hard across the face._

_"What did you say," he asked giving her a stinging swat._

_"I... what the-"_

_She was interrupted by another smack._

_"Don't act like a loser," he said, "You haven't been a loser in a long time but now you're going to be treated like one"_

_"What did I even do"_

_"Well (smack) first you were mean (smack, smack) to Tori and then (smack, smack, smack) you told me to shut up (smack). I think you need to realize why that's wrong"_

_"Beck-"_

_He just slapped her across the face again._

"That night I couldn't sleep," he told AB A as he recalled the incident, "The first time... at least in my mind it was different. The first time I thought I had been doing it for her own good. The first time she had really in my mind done something wrong and she had to learn her lesson. This time it was different. This time she didn't do anything so bad."

"So you had an AHA moment at that point?"

"Not really," Beck said, "I still thought I was doing what was best for Jade for the most part but this time it just didn't seem right. I woke Jade up and apologized to her. I explained how I was just angry and I didn't mean to hurt her"

_She forgave him._

_"I shouldn't have told you to shut up," she said. "and I'm sorry for that. I suppose I got what was coming to me"_

_"You shouldn't have told me to shut up," Beck acknowledged, "and you did need some punishment but not as severe as I inflicted"_

_"So you forgive me," Jade asked_

"What I should have said was, "I should be the one asking for forgiveness" but what I said was "Yes... I forgive you"

"Well when someone is an abuser," August, a new member said, "They don't see themselves as an abuser. In the same way how if someone is an alcoholic or a drug addict they don't see themselves as an alcoholic or drug addict"

"I know but I realize what I am now," Beck said, "and I hate what I did. It's hard to forgive myself"

"I know the feeling," August said

Then the meeting was over


	10. Why?

"Let me ask you a question," Marc asked, "since you'll be moving onto level 2 tomorrow. Why did you abuse"

This was after the meeting. Marc and Beck were talking privately.

"Honestly," Beck said, "I don't know. I don't have the answer to that

"I know the reasons I told myself. It was for her own good. I care about her. I want her to be better. I want to her to make something of herself. She has so much potential. I want her to do whatever she wants to do with her life and she can't do that messing around the way she is. She has to learn to be responsible. She has to learn to be honest. There were so many reasons I told myself.

"The truth is that **she **wasn't the one who was messing up. She was trying to deal with a lot on her plate and I just made it worse. I was doing the same things that I would get mad at her for doing and then excuse it in my mind. I was the guy. I was the one in charge in the situation because I was the guy. I had to do what was right

"Here's the thing though. I wasn't doing what was right. I got mad for EVERY reason under the sun. Sometimes it was what I thought was valid. Other times it was because she broke a string on my guitar or ate too much of something. What I should have done was talk to her about why I was concerned or upset about the behavior she was doing.

"I hit her because I was angry. I hit her because it seemed to work. I hit her because I didn't know what else to do. I insulted her because I thought it would make her see things my way. I was insistent because I thought she needed that leadership.

"But I wasn't being a leader. A leader leads with respect. I was hurting the people I love. I was hurting my friends too indirectly because they were seeing Jade hurt. They were hurting for her. I got mad at Tori one time also for doing something that I MYSELF WAS DOING

"I think it all started to come to a head when I said something to Jade that I should NOT have said. She had gone through a difficult time and I was really mad when I spoke and instead of taking the time to calm down I said something I should not have said.

"That was one of the times I apologized. I took back what I said before any damage could be done but almost a year of abuse had already done more damage then I could possibly imagine. I was no better then-"

"No," Marc interrupted, "You are better then the person you are thinking of."

"How," Beck asked

"Beck you accepted responsibility for your actions. You didn't try to excuse what you did. You accepted the fact that you messed up and that you had to stop doing what you were doing"

"Okay," Beck admitted, "That is something good that I did but I still abused her"

"Yes. You can't go back to the past and change that but as far as I know she's forgiven you"

"She has. How she has I haven't the foggiest idea. but she has which means that I'm blessed"


	11. A moment Like This

The rain was starting too fall and Jade was a little late picking Beck up. She finally got there.

"I'm sorry I'm late," she said sounding a little bit frightened, "There was a little traffic and I just..."

He knew why she had shuttered. The last time she had been late picking him up he punished her as well as punched her in the nose.

"Jade," he told her, "That's over now. I will **never** repeat those actions again."

Jade looked relieved.

"I'm getting hungry," she told him, "Can we stop and pick up something to eat"

"Sure," he said smiling.

She drove to a little dinette restaurant. It was sort of an out of the way no big deal type of place. It was no big deal. Something you might stop at if you were hungry and there was no place else to go. It was also the place where they had their first date.

Beck grinned.

"We had our first date here," he said smiling

Jade nodded. It was so good to have Beck back.

They ate and then went dancing at Beck's request.

"This is nice," Jade said

"What," he asked

"The fact that you love me again"

"Jade," he said spinning her in his arms, "I have never stopped loving you. I did what I did because I had serious problems. After what happened to me I was angry. I was bitter. I wanted to get back at the world. I was-"

"What happened to you," she asked.

Before he attended program she would have been smacked or slapped or had her hair pulled or goodness knows what else for interrupting him.

"I was attacked," he said, "It was during summer vacation while you were away with Tori and Cat on the girls only week. I was attacked outside the movie theater."

"WHAT! Why didn't you tell me about it"

"I was ashamed. I was a guy and I had the mentality that if a guy went through a tough time that made him a freak"

"Am I a freak? I went through a tough time"

"Yeah but you aren't a guy. In my mind I had been shamed not only because I was attacked but because I was a guy and I was attacked. It was a horrible thing to go through."

"I know," she said, "I was attacked too remember. That's why I'm afraid of room 10D"

He winced remembering one of the first verbal abuse incidents. It probably was the first one.

* * *

><p>((Flashback))<p>

_"I can't believe you said that," Jade snapped at him, "You know what happened to me there. Do you have to be so DAMN insensitive"_

_"For GOD SAKES," Beck snapped, "Do YOU have to be such a wuss?"_

_"Okay FIRST OF ALL I AM NOT A WUSS. I JUST DON'T WANT TO RETURN TO THE PLACE WHERE IT HAPPENED"_

_"It happened months ago Jade and I'm not going to apologize or take back what I said. I think I was right. Now come along and stop being such a baby. It's good for you anyway. You need to-"_

_"YOU NEED TO SHUT UP," Cat said to him with an angry tone that he never heard before coming from Cat, "I cannot believe you would be so insensitive"_

_"I'm not insensitive and the fact remains I'm in charge. I will handle things how I see fit," Beck said gently to Cat. _

_"Not this," Cat said glaring at him_

_"Cat look I know that she went through tough times and I know what happened to her but it happened MONTHS AGO. I care about her and I love her too much to let her act the way she acted plus I don't want her to live her life in fear. It's a win, win solution"_

_"And when she starts having nightmares after that? And when she starts having a panic attack? And when she passes out? And when she's reminded of what happened to her? And when-"_

_"Alright I guess I get your point. Fine. I take it back but not because I think I was wrong. Because I can't deal with this right now."_

_That night when they were in the RV the argument continued. He wanted to do something and she didn't._

_"I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO DO IT MY WAY OR NOT," he said, "I didn't ASK you. I'm TELLING you"_

((Flashback ends))

* * *

><p>"Jade can I ask you something?" Beck asked<p>

"Sure"

"How can you still love me? I was a monster"

"You did a lot of horrible things," Jade admitted, "But it's not about what you did. When I look at you I see the man who I love and I see someone who messed up but also a man who takes responsibility for what he did. I was angry about what you did for a long time. I'm not angry about it anymore. I guess in a way I'm hurt by it. But now I understand where it came from. I mean when I went through in room 10D I blamed everyone who I felt played a part in the incident. I was angry and I felt like hurting everyone the way I was hurt. Not literally the way I was hurt but as badly as I was hurt. I just didn't know what I should be feeling. I wasn't thinking? I was freaking. I don't think I can ever understand why those types of things happen. I don't actually know why I love you. It's not a thinking thing. It's a feeling thing."

_It's not a thinking thing. It's a feeling thing._

Those words echoed in his mind.

"I wish I could go back in time and fix things," he said

"What would you change," she asked

"Well for one thing," he said, "I wouldn't have gone past the movie theater the night I was attacked. For another thing I would have LISTENED and I would have TALKED. I wouldn't have insulted. I wouldn't have accused. I wouldn't have hit... because the fact is that no matter what you call it that's what I was doing. I would never have been such a control freak. I felt the need to have things my way and I convinced myself it was the right way... the only way."

"How did you keep your cool with Cat," Jade asked

"It wasn't even easy with her," Beck said, "I wanted to smack her a few times, once when she was eating too many red velvet cupcakes and one time I said something that really hurt her feelings. Did I mean it? No of course I didn't mean it. Did I apologize? Was it too late when I came to my senses? Thank GOD it wasn't."

Jade stopped the car at a place they had been too once before.

"We have to go in here for a minute," Jade said

Beck nodded. They went into the place and walked down a long hall.

"Jade why are we going here anyway," he asked

"Oh... um... just because I need to take care of something," Jade said

Beck loved this place. He was only there once but he loved it from the minute he came there. He never wanted to leave.

Jade led him into a room. It was huge and beautiful. The windows seemed to be made out of crystal and it was as if a rainbow was shining through it.

After they got a way into the room Beck grinned widely. He couldn't believe what he saw.


	12. Congraduations

At first glance Beck thought it was a party. He beamed as he saw it. But then he realized it wasn't a party. It was a graduation. On the wall there was a sign that said CONGRADUATION ON MOVING UP TO LEVEL TWO. Andre was playing the graduation song on the keyboard. Their friends were up on the stage. It was beauiful.

Cat gave a speech.

"Well Beck, it was not long ago that you were a very different person. You were irritable. You put people down. You were physically and emotionally abusive and so on. The day came when it went too far. I know that you never intended for it to go that far. I know you never meant to hurt that innocent person but you were unable to stop yourself"

Tears filled Beck's eyes as he remembered that day. It could easily be defined as the worst day of his life.

"It was to the point where it was dangerous. It was to the point where things were extremely out of control and it had to stop"

Cat had told him off. She had let him know that what he was doing was not okay. She told him that he was in serious trouble. She told him what he was doing was really unfair and wrong and innocent people were being affected. She had let him know that she wasn't going to stand for his behavior. But she had not played her ace.

"You have a long fight ahead of you," Cat said, "and you are going to have your ups and your downs. You are going to have good days and bad days. You've already had your bad days and your lows. You still managed to stay in control of yourself, I will never forget how proud I was of you. I know you're going through a rough time and it can't just get better without intervention but you're on your way to it getting there. One day is another step. One hour is another step. One minute is another step. One second is another step"

Beck remembered his bad days. Most of them he handled well. Some of them he didn't handle quite so well but there was never any more abuse physically or emotionally. Sometimes his tone would be snappy and he would be put in his place immediately. There were other times that they wouldn't argue because they understood he was having a bad day and it was not a harmful situation. Sometimes he was put in his place after the fact.

_"Beck," Cat said, "We need to talk"_

_"Sure. What's on your mind?"_

_"The way you talked to Jade last night and Andre. While I was VERY proud that you didn't get physical your tone of voice and the way you put Jade down was unacceptable and I believe you owe her an apology"_

_"But she-"_

_"I believe you owe her an apology," Cat repeated_

_"You didn't even let me finish what I was saying"_

_"Becket nothing that you say is going to change the fact that you owe her an apology AND you also owe Andre an apology too. You were rude and verbally aggressive and one step away from verbally abusive to Jade"_

_"I guess I should apologize," Beck said_

_"Good guess," Cat said to him_

"You are willing to accept it when you're wrong. You're willing to accept it when you are corrected. You're willing to apologize when need be. That's not the old Beck. The old Beck was angry and would slip back into his old habits within days. So Beck you have come a long way and I am very proud of you. CONGRADATION and let the party begin"


	13. Highest Love

"My name," one man began in the meeting the next day, "Is Wesley and I am an abuser. By myself I have no control over my behavior but with prayer and the love of the heavenly father I can overcome my situation. Now I am the group leader for step 2. I would like to begin today by discussing some of the reasons we abuse. Yes how about you?"

_Of course _Beck thought to himself _I have to be first._

"I abused because I was an angry person after I was attacked at the movie theater almost a year ago," Beck said, "and I made all sorts of excuses saying that I wasn't abusing. I was just disciplining. I was smacking her because she needed to learn. I was doing it because I love her. I was insulting her because she needed to learn that it wasn't right to be mean. I was being an idiot basically."

"So you were traumatized," Westley asked

"Well of course I was traumatized," Beck said

A man next to Beck went next.

"I think for me it was an issue of control. I didn't have any and I wanted some. I was having a fight with my boyfriend... I'm bisexual and I slapped him. He did as I told him to do and I didn't have a problem ever since. I would just slap him or belt him or smack him or break something of his...

Beck shuttered at a memory.

((Flashback))

_"Jade," Beck said, "You have to the count of 3 to do what I say or there will be consequences"_

_"I don't care," Jade said, "I'm tired of your attitude"_

_"1"_

_((This was before the physical abuse started))_

_"Beck just back off"_

_"2," he counted his tone getting firmer._

_"STOP IT"_

_"3," Beck said, "Okay that's it. There are consequences"_

_He took a glass angel that her sister had given her before she died and threw it on the floor. It shattered to several piece all large enough. Then he went upstairs to bed. He heard Jade sobbing but he felt he had been justified. He really didn't feel that bad. He hadn't been too harsh with her. She had disobeyed him. It was for her own good._

_Jade didn't come to bed that night. She stayed up through the night. Cat came over later on the next day. Jade didn't even cheer up at seeing Cat._

_"Hey what's wrong Jadey Wadey," Cat asked_

_"My angel broke," Jade said, "The one my sister gave me"  
>Beck rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe she was so upset about that.<em>

_"Oh man," Cat said, "That must have been so upsetting. Do you have any super glue?"_

_"Yeah," Jade said, "I'll get it"_

_Cat stayed with Jade that day and she glued the pieces back together one piece at a time. _

((End of Flashback))

"Let me ask you," the new group leader said, "have you ever had a time where you felt like hitting or abusing again. If you don't I can promise you that you will. I have. Do I give into that desire? Never. But it isn't me who is making me strong enough to resist. It is a force greater then myself. Some might call Him or Her GOD. Some might have other names for Him or Her but without that higher power you cannot control yourself"

A young woman in the back raised her hand.

"Yes""

"What if you're an atheist," she asked.

"Are you an atheists?"

"No," she said, "But what if you were"

"Then you would consider love to be the higher power"

Beck DID believe in a higher power. But he also knew his love for Jade was what was strongest for him at that point. So he looked up and said a prayer to keep himself from abusing even when he was tempted. And that first temptation would come the very next day.


	14. Okay That's Some Calm Down Time

Charles Dickens once wrote 'It was the best of times. It was the worst of times' and today was certainly one of the worst of times. Beck woke up feeling pissed off. So when Jade accidentally spilled coffee on his new $1,000 laptop he wanted so badly to hit her. He was really angry. He thought that he was past this anger but obviously he wasn't.  
><em>Deep breaths, <em>he told himself.

"Jade," Beck said taking a breath to control himself, "I am feeling angry and I need to go for a walk. I'll be back in a little while."  
>He grabbed the phone and went outside. After a few minutes he dialed his sponsor's number.<p>

"Aviary speaking," his sponsor picked up.

"Thank GOD you answered," Beck said, "It's me. Beck Oliver"  
>Aviary laughed.<p>

"Yes I recognize your voice," he said, "What's up. You sound pretty desperate"

"I am feeling very angry at Jade at the moment. I know it's not her fault. It was just an accident but she spilled coffee all over my thousand dollar laptop and I so want to smack her or throw something at her or punish her in some way"

"Well first of all let me praise you. You did a good job calling me instead of hurting her. I'm very impressed. Can the laptop be fixed?"

"Yes it can," Beck replied nodding.

"I know how frustrated you feel right now," Aviary said, "The same thing happened to me last week. Let me ask you something else. Is your laptop important?"

"Well yeah. It's got all my documents on it and everything else"

"If you had to prioritize would you say it's more important then say... Jade"

"No. Nothing is more important then Jade. The laptop can be..."

"Can be what?"

"Fixed or replaced. Jade can't be fixed or replaced if I lost her"

"That's exactly right," Aviary said beaming with pride.

"Thank you so much. You helped me a lot"  
>The two said goodbye and hung up.<p>

Beck went inside and talked to Jade.

"I'm sorry I got angry," he said, "I was upset about my laptop. I still am but in all honesty it's a minor thing and it can be repaired or replaced. It's on a warranty anyway so it won't be an issue. I love you Jade. Nothing is more important to me then you are. I want you to know that"

Jade kissed him.

"That means a lot to me," she said, "To hear you say that. I love you too"

Beck felt proud of himself.


	15. Moving Foward

"Hey Beck," Jade said, "Can we go to La Shays next weekend?"

La Shays was their favorite restaurant and it was only for special occasions.

"What's the occasion," he asked her.

"You had your first victory over temptation and I think it's time to move forward to step 12," Jade said.  
>She was already on level 11. It was a tradition at Hollywood Arts started by Sikowitz. Obviously the steps were a tradition but celebrating moving up is a tradition as well.<p>

He paused for a second.

"Yes to the first one," he said, "No to moving up"  
>She was disappointed. He rushed to explain.<p>

"Jade a week is not enough time to plan a proper celebration for something like that," he said, "You are not moving up next week. How about 3 weeks from now"

"Sure," Jade said happily and wrapped her arms around him giving him a mind-blowing toe tingling kiss.

"I'll never grow tired of those," he said grinning.


	16. Beck's Spech

Beck was nervous. He was speaking at a high school assembly about abuse. It was finally his cue and he was introduced. He walked to the stage.

"Hello," he said, "My name is Beck Oliver, yes like the twist and there are a whole lot of twists in my story. I am not the victim of abuse. I am a former abuser. Up to less then a month ago I was abusing the woman I loved. I was abusing her verbally, physically, emotionally... and I was a control freak. 'nough said. It was also the fact that I had become so insensitive. I didn't like who I was turning into. So many people didn't see it at first because I hid it well.

"After the first time I hit my girlfriend my friend confronted me about it. She taught me that I was out of line to do that. It wasn't as if I didn't know it. I did. I promised I would stop. I did stop for awhile. Then came a day she didn't listen to me. I warned her that there would be consequences for not listening to me. I gave her three chances. Then I had to follow through. She had a glass angel that her sister had given to her before she had died. So I decided that instead of hitting her I would break the angel. She stayed up all night in tears. I didn't get why she was so upset about that. I hadn't hurt her. At least, in my mind I hadn't. After all there was no physical contact but it hurt her heart. Cat helped her glue the pieces together. She saw the look on my face and realized that I was the one that broke the angel. She retaliated and broke something of mine into so many pieces it couldn't be fixed. After that I found ways to hide the abuse and Jade never told on me. It wasn't that she was afraid I'd hurt her more. It was just... she loved me and she was trying to protect me. She knew that I wasn't a bad person and I needed to be protected

"The truth is, I didn't need nor did I deserve to be protected. I needed to be confronted. One day it all came to a head. Somehow my best friend found out what I was doing. To this day I don't know how. But there was a lot at stake there. My friend was very smart even though she's incredibly hyper and I knew that she would not be afraid to call me on what I was doing. The other fact was that what I was doing was despicable. I was hurting the person I loved and I had broken her so much so that she actually believed what I was doing was for her good. At first I honestly believed that myself but my friend outright called me an abuser. Those words shocked me. I didn't think I was an abuser. I thought I was just being a disciplinarian to her. Now I look back and I'm sick thinking of what I did.

"It's not easy. Every day I'm faced with some new challenge. I don't always know how to handle her anymore. Sometimes she does things that are in my opinion wrong and I feel the need to punish her. I KNOW I'M WRONG and I'm able to resist my urge. Sometimes I can't resist on my own though. I've found a few tricks that help me. I have a punching bag and a doll who I will hit if I feel the need to hit. I have a sponsor who I will call. I walk away and cool down but it is NO WHERE NEAR EASY. There are times where I feel like I need to control and make her do what I say. I know it's wrong. I know it's childish but I get so worried when I'm not at the helm. I feel like I'm the man. I feel like I need to have her listen to me because I know what's best for her.

"Everyone here today listen to me. Do not ever start abusing. It is not okay to hit another person adult or child. It's called abuse. Call it anything you might. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to harm. It doesn't mean to isolate. It doesn't mean to put down.

"Abuse has many consequences. The most severe consequence is thus. It damages a victim. It rips the fabric of their self esteem. It can cost you relationships. Relationships are very fragile. It's easy to start to put little tiny cracks in relationships. You don't realize it sometimes until it's far too late. I could have lost Jade both literally and metaphorically. After one of the beatings I gave her a piece of fat broke off and traveled to her lungs. She had to be in the hospital. She had to have surgery. She was in bad shape. She was in the hospital for many weeks before she was released and I still was powerless to stop. She made excuses for the scars. She made excuses for the fact that she was a deep crimson red. She almost died and yet she still protected me but I couldn't stop abusing. I couldn't stop until I was CALLED an abuser. Don't ever abuse. Be firm. Be clear. Be consistent and never abuse. Thank you"


	17. Bad Memory

Jade picked Beck up from the high school. His car got a flat tire so he was having less then a good day.

"Hey Beck," Jade said, "I'm sorry I'm a little late. I got caught up in some traffic"

He took a breath.

"It's alright," he said, "It isn't so much later then you said"

"Okay," Jade smiled in appreciation, "Thank you"  
>Jade had worn a shirt that showed her neck. It showed a scar and bruises from some of his more brutal beatings. Looking at her his eyes filled with tears. He could remember the time that he gave those bruises to her.<p>

((Flashback))  
><em>It was a cold day. In California it's never too cold but the day was colder then usual. Jade was getting on Beck's nerves that day. She set the heat up too high, burned his toast and spilled the coffee. He finally snapped after she had accidentally broken his IPod, <em>

_"DAMN IT JADE," he snapped slapping her across the face, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU SET THE HEAT TOO HIGH. YOU BURNED MY TOAST AND YOU SPILLED MY COFFEE AND NOW YOU BREAK MY IPOD! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU"_

_He punched her with every offense mentioned._

_"Beck I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to"_

_"I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO BUT YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL AND MORE THOUGHTFUL"_

_She was crying by that point. He had hurt her so badly. Why did he have to do this? The beating lasted less then a minute but she had 19 bruises and a scratch by the time he was done._

_"Oh Jade," he whispered lovingly when he was done, "Why do you make me do this? I love you so much. It kills me to have to do this. If you would just be a little more thoughtful-"_

_"I will," she promised, "I will be more thoughtful next time. And I will replace the IPod."_

_"You're right about that," he said, "I'm going to sell your ticket to the concert to make the money to replace the IPod"_

_"What? I was looking forward to that concert," she said disappointed._

_"Too bad," Beck said, "You should have thought of that before. Actions have consequences. You're paying for your carelessness"_

((Flashback ends))

"Babe?"

Jade waved her hand in front of Beck's face.

"Sorry," he said, "Jade lets go out tonight"

"Sure," she said, "I would love that. Where are you thinking of/'

Beck smiled.

"That's a surprise," he said, "But I grantee you will love it"


	18. When I First Fell In Love

"Beck," Jade asked laughing, "Where are we going?"

He laughed

"You'll see," he told her, "My GOD you look so beautiful today"

He stroked her hair. She rested her head on his shoulder.

"The limo will be picking us up soon," he said.

Jade gasped.

"Limo," she exclaimed.

"Yes," he told her kissing her lips. As he looked at her his mind flashed back to the first time he fell in love with her

((Flashback))

_Jade was coming out of school when she saw a crowd of people bullying a little girl. She stood in front of the child._

_"Who in the HELL do you think you are," she said, "This is a child. You have no right picking on her."_

_"Who are you," the oldest of the bullies said. They looked like it was a gang test or something like that. They were at least Jade's age if not older._

_"Someone who isn't going to allow you to continue this nonsense," Jade said, "Now if you don't BUG OFF you will have to answer to ME! And let me tell you what. Answering to ME is ugly. I can be a bitch"_

_They all laughed._

_"Your a bunch of talk," the oldest of the bullies said. _

_"Think what you want," Jade replied, "I'm sure the cops would love to hear how you've been attacking a little girl"_

_That got them to back off. Beck looked at Jade_.

_"That was amazing," he said_

_"Thanks... random guy that I never met before," she said with a smile._

_"I'm sorry," Beck said without missing a beat, "Let me introduce myself. I'm Beck. Now we know each other."_

_Jade laughed._

_"I'm Jade," she said, "Nice to meet you Beck"_

_((End Flashback))_

"Babe hello? You sort of spaced out there for a minute," Jade said

"I was thinking about when I first fell in love with you," Beck explained, "I will NEVER forget that day"

"When was that day," she asked him.

"It was the day that we met. The day that you stopped those bullies from hurting that little girl," Beck said.

"Yeah well cruelty to children is something I will **not **tolerate... especially after my little sister was murdered," Jade said.

Beck knew all about that. Jessicah had been killed because she was different. She had down syndrome and she was the butt of everyone's teasing. One day Patrick, a guy in her school was teasing her one too many times and she bit him. He pushed her into a hornet nest up on top of a tree and she had been stung several times. It was concerned an accident but Jade thought of it as murder. In her mind her little sister was murdered and she would never forgive the bastard that murdered her.


	19. Irefutable Logic

"So now are you going to tell me where we are going?" Jade asked laughing.

"Not yet. We're almost there."

He had gotten backstage passes to the concert that she had missed. It was the one he had sold her ticket for to pay for the IPOD. Ironically he had to sell the IPOD he had gotten to pay for the backstage tickets. The night he had sold her ticket to pay for the IPOD they had gotten into another fight. It was a fight he started and he was right in his mind for starting it.

((Flashback))

_"Hi honey," Jade said, "Did you get the new IPOD"_

_"Yes I got the new IPOD," Beck said, "and I wouldn't have had to if you hadn't broken the old one"_

_"Yeah I know. I was clumsy. I'm really sorry"_

_"Sorry? You're sorry? YOU BROKE IT ON PURPOSE," he said his rage coming into play again._

_"BECK I DID NOT BREAK IT ON PORPOSE," Jade snapped  
>He slapped her.<em>

_"Don't you ever raise your voice to me again. Do you understand JADELYNNE AUGEST WEST. I will not be disrespected. Is that clear?"  
>She didn't answer.<em>

_"IS IT CLEAR," he yelled in her face._

_"How did I disrespect you," Jade asked quietly_

_"You (slap) yelled at me (slap) and I will not (slap) put up with that"_

_((Flashback ends))_

"Jade," Beck said as the limo pulled up to the theater, "We're here"

As she walked in the theater her mouth flew open. He had arranged a private backstage concert for the two of them.

"Beck I love this," She told him kissing him.


	20. Taking Responsibility

After the concert Beck took Jade out to dinner at La Shaylas. It was one of their favorite restaurants. They enjoyed their meal and the music and dancing. Then it happened. Jade accidentally spilled some coffee on him.

"OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY," she said in tears.

"Jade," he said, "Calm down. It's just coffee. It's no big deal"

"Well it's just the last time I spilled coffee on you, you got so mad"

He didn't think he got 'so mad' at the time. Sure he gave her a smacking but he thought he was in control and calm in doing it. In his mind, which was very diseased at the time it happened it was proper punishment for a 'serious offense'. It wasn't proper punishment and what she did didn't even call for punishment.

((Flashback))

_"Do (slap) you (swat) understand (whack) why (pop) you (slap) are (smack) being (slap) punished (slap) today," he asked Jade._

_"Cause ow I spilled coffee ow on your lap ow. I'm really sorry," she said crying_

_He stopped after another minute._

_"Baby I love you," he told her, "I am sorry that I had to punish you but you did something very wrong. You spilled coffee in my lap. It was a bad thing you did. I want you to be a better person then that."_

_She sniffled. She knew she would have a day without hugs or kisses. He always did that after she was punished to teach her a lesson._

_"I know," she said, "and I will be"_

_He patted her on the shoulder. _

_"Good," he said, "I know you can be better then you act"_

_"I will," she promised again._

_She longed for a kiss. She longed for him to smooth her hair or show some sign of affection. But she knew she would have to wait. His rule was she had to wait 24 hours after a discipline before being treated with affection. The pat on her shoulder was a gift. _

_((24 hours later))_

_"Come're," he said holding his arms open._

_She walked to him. He held her in his arms for about a half an hour and then he started the questions._

_"What did you do that caused you to get punished?"_

_"I spilled coffee on your lap," she said_

_"And will you **ever **do that again," he asked emphasizing ever with a light pat_

_"Never," she promised._

_"Good girl," he said_

_((Flashback ends))_

"That wasn't your fault," he said, "I had no business acting like that. I don't know what was wrong with me. Accepting responsibility for my actions is the first thing I've learned at AB_. A."_


	21. Reflection

The next day at Beck's AB. A meeting the group leader esked him a question.

"What was your breaking point," he asked

"What do you mean," Beck asked.

"Well there had to be a point when you decided not to abuse," he explained.

"OH," Beck said, "Yes. I was at lunch and my friend Cat and my girlfriend Jade was sitting at the table. Well Cat was sitting. Jade couldn't do so at that point... yeah. The sad thing is that had become common."

"No the sad thing is that it happened at all," Gray, a member of AB. A said.

"Fair enough," Beck replied, "But the sadder thing is that it happened so much it became common place. Anyway my friend asked my girlfriend how long 'this' was going on for. My girlfriend knew exactly what she was talking about. She answered Cat's question. The thing is I never heard myself referred to as an abuser before this. I didn't think of myself as an abuser. I thought I was doing the right thing. When Cat said that I was an abuser I realized I was. It wasn't as if I believed her or didn't believe her. It was a fact. I was abusing Jade. I had no right to punish her for any reason and I certainly didn't have the right to abuse her. I became cruel and out of control. The worst part of it was I would make her go a day without affection in order to teach her a lesson. Once in awhile as a gift I would pat her on the shoulder. There were times I thought well maybe I was being unfair but it stopped her from being mean to my friend Tori. I really wanted them to become friends. I wanted them to like each other. Sometimes I still feel the temptation to punish her. I hate feeling like that and I know I need to find a solution. That is when I pray and if that doesn't help I call my sponsor. He always helps._"_

"Does your sponsor ever call you," the leader asked.

"Yes. He calls me whenever he feels he needs to talk. We've become friends."

"I think that you have made good strides. Have you ever slipped up_?"_

"No," Beck said, "Once I made the choice not to abuse I **don't **slip up."

"Have you found that your girlfriend is still afraid of you in some instances?"

"Yeah," Beck said, "And I know that probably will be for awhile. I manipulated. I controlled. I hurt her in so many ways. I hate myself for that"

"DON'T hate yourself. You corrected the problem. You need to be proud that you did that"


	22. 3x a day one day

Jade picked Beck up from the meeting the next day. She was about an hour late.

"Where were you," he asked.

"I'm sorry," she said, "There was an accident on the freeway"

He sighed. He was feeling a little angry.

"Jade I'll be right back," he said, "Give me a few minutes. I need to do something really quick"

She nodded and sat down. Beck went to find Aviary.

"Hey Beck what's up," Aviary asked.

"Jade picked me up late today... an hour late. I feel angry. I feel like slapping her or yelling at her and I don't want to," he said.

"Good for you," Aviary said, "You went and talked to me instead of abusing her"

They talked for awhile until Beck calmed down.

"Thank you for helping me," he said

He went back to Jade.

"Sorry about that," he said, "I had to talk with Aviary about something."

"It's fine," Jade said, "I would like to stop off for lunch if you don't mind. I'm hungry"

"Sure," Beck said, "Geeto's alright?"

"Yeah," Jade replied, "I was thinking the same thing"

Geeto's was one of their favorite restaurants. Jade loved it because of all the black decorations. Beck thought the food was out of this world good. The visit to Geeto's today didn't go so well however. The waitress was rude. Jade had a fight with the cook. Beck got a headache. He called Aviary again.

"Sorry I'm bothering you," Beck said, "But I'm feeling really stressed and I don't know what else to do."

"Don't apologize," Aviary said, "I'm your sponsor and you can call me any time you need to. I'm also your friend. I care about you as a person"

"That means a lot to me," Beck said, "Well our lunch date didn't go as planned..."

They talked for a few minutes and then Beck felt better. That night Jade broke something of his accidentally. He called Aviary for a third time.

"I don't know why I'm so angry today," Beck said.

"I've had days like that," Aviary said, "I went through a period of time where all I felt was anger. I needed something to get me under control and that was when I joined ABSUESRS ANNOYOMOUS"

They talked for 3 hours and then Beck fell asleep after he hung up. He woke up sick the next day.

_Now I know why I was so cranky, _he thought to himself

He took something for what it was that he had and went to the meeting.

"Why are you here," Augest asked, "You're sick"

"I don't care," Beck said, "That's no excuse for not being here. I made a commitment"


	23. New Revalations

Joining AB. A was the best thing that Beck ever did. He felt more able to control himself and all of a sudden he started to remember where this problem stemmed from. Yes it showed itself in a moment of frustration, aggravation mixed with what he consider **desperation **but it stemmed from a time in his life when he was younger. He wasn't able to express himself correctly. Sometimes he would just scream and have a fit. It would piss him off because nobody seemed to understand and they would get frustrated. They would yell and nag and flip out or get mad. Then someone came along. It was a young woman named Gennifer. She broke through to him and finally he was able to communicate a lot better then he used to. When Jade came to pick him up he greeted her with a kiss. Jade smiled broadly her eyes lighting up. He hadn't seen her smile like that in a long time. When they got home Beck said he had a couple of things he had to do and he would be back in a few minutes.

"Are you mad at me," she asked him

"No Jade," he said, "Not at all. There's just something I need to take care of. I have to call my mom"

Jade nodded.

Janis Oliver was at home when the phone rang. She saw it was Beck.

"Hello?"

"Mom"

"Hi honey"

"It's me. I need to tell you I forgive you"

"For what," his mother asked confused.

"For being so impatient with me when I was a kid," Beck said, "I know you did your best. I forgive you and I love you"

"Thank you," Janis said, "I never meant to hurt you you know"

"I know that mom," Beck said, "You are a good person and I'm glad you're my mom."

"Why don't you come home," Janis asked, "The RV can't be comfortable to live in"

"Mom Jade and I are very happy in the RV"

Janis sighed. She did not approve of his son's girlfriend or the fact that they were living together.

"Fine," she said, "I just want you to be careful. I don't want grandchildren yet"

"MOM!"

"Beck having a child is a huge responsibility. I was your age when I had your sister and believe me I love her but I wish I waited.

"Um... anyway I'll talk to you later" Beck said

He hadn't told his mother the whole story. Jade **was **already six weeks pregnant. They had intercourse 3 days after he started Abusers Anonymous and Beck was secretly hoping for a girl. If it was a girl they were naming her Willow. A boy was going to be named Thomas after his father who passed away a year ago.

"Bye sweetie," his mother said


End file.
